The other day, my five year old son Ewan came up to me, looked me in the eye, and asked me if I was happy with him.
This was after I’d told him off a little earlier for not listening and continuing to play with his toys after I’d asked him to clean up with Salem, his four year old sister.
This particular task is like a mental tug of war, with both kids starting the clean up process and then invariably getting distracted by the primary reason toys were invented – to play with them.
So then we get into the back and forth that I’m sure any parent must recognize:
Me: Clean up, please.
Kids: Okay. [Cleaning starts, two minutes later the kids are playing again]
Me: Clean up please, this isn’t cleaning.
Kids: Okay! [Cleaning resumes, now it’s down to one minute before playtime takes precedence]
This goes on for a couple more exchanges, at which point parenting takes over and leniency of play while cleaning takes a backseat.
This is usually followed by a raised voice, with a different tone, and the kids realize that daddy (or mummy) means business. So, they clean, but you can see they’re a little crestfallen (for want of a better word).
And you, the parent, take no victory in getting your kids to clean because now you’ve also made them sad.
It was after one of these recent battle of wits that Ewan asked the question about me being happy with him.
The Truth and Explanation Often Don’t Mix Well
As parents, my wife Jaclyn and I want to raise our kids knowing the very clear difference between good and bad.
We also have a very “open parenting” mindset where our kids aren’t tied to gender-specific toys and dress-up. If our son wants to play with his sister’s dolls,?or wear a Princess dress, he can. If our daughter wants to play with our son’s Avenger toys, or wear his stuff, she does.
We also want our kids to challenge us, and not be afraid to ask “Why?” when they need to do things, or when they don’t understand why we took specific actions.
In short, we’re trying to allow our kids to just be, and not conform to what certain parts of society tells kids they should be.
Part of that means we often sit down and explain things through, until (hopefully) our kids understand the reason behind certain things, and can take that and learn from it and put to use in their own lives away from the home (school, daycare, friends’ houses, etc.).
But how do you explain to a five year old the difference between “happy” as in behaviour-wise, and “happy” as in how wonderful life is now you’re in the world (sorry for paraphrasing, Elton!)?
Sure – you can try:
Sorry, Ewan, right now I’m not happy with what you did. I asked you to do something, and you didn’t. You didn’t listen, and you kept doing things you weren’t meant to be doing at that time. So, no, I’m not happy.
Because how long does that unhappiness last? We, as adults, know it’s temporary. And we, as parents, can tell our kids, “Okay, we’re happy with you again.”
[clickToTweet tweet=”How do we explain to children the difference between not happy right now and unhappy full stop?” quote=”How do we explain to children the difference between not happy right now and unhappy full stop?”]
But what if there was no definitive action to make us happy?
For example, the mess was still left until after dinner, and your child said something so amazingly sweet at the dinner table that made you happy, and your subsequent smile tells your child you’re happy – does that now negate the “unhappiness” you had over the lack of cleaning up?
And how much does a five year old really understand and differentiate anyway? I’m no psychologist, and I’m an extremely proud parent at how smart my kids can be, but how much are they really taking in and retaining at four and five?
So, the explanation becomes a soundbite and the worry of unhappiness remains.
Am I Breaking My Son?
Of course, then there’s the follow-up to that.
If I’m trying to explain my unhappiness and why I’m not happy at Ewan, and he nods to understand but all he knows is that daddy is unhappy, and not that it’s a very, very small percentage compared to the happiness he invokes in me all the time,?am I breaking my son’s heart and spirit?
Even if I feel I’ve done the best job I can at explaining, and even if I ask Ewan if he understands why I’m not happy at that very specific moment in time, is he really understanding that I could not be happier that he’s my son – I’m just not happy at his actions?
I grew up in a household where my stepfather was an asshole, which (I think) contributed to me taking a path where I was a little shit in my early years. It was only though making changes that saw me “recover”.
Because of that, I want to make sure my own kids never have to worry about how their mum and dad feel about them. To make sure they know they’re loved, and they can grow the way they want to grow, and know it’s okay to mess up.
But if I can’t explain the difference between “not happy right now at your actions” versus “not happy with you”, will that message even come through?
Of course, I know you keep explaining, keep explaining, and keep explaining through words, actions and understanding, and that differentiation will appear.
As a marketer, though, I just wish there was an analytics program like Google Analytics for you to understand your kids’ behaviours – man, how that would make life a whole lot easier!
How about you, fellow parents – how have you approached this “landmark”? This dad is all ears.